a crisis
by Anybodys
Summary: The first of Damien Karras' crises, with no help from Father Dyer. Prequel one shot.


Life before priesthood was a foggy memory Father Karras tried to shut out. Some of the frivolous activities he partook in back then were sins he was supposed to scorn upon now. When he became a priest, he exchanged wickedness for holiness, determined to make his life the best he could, learning all the rituals and prayers by heart. For years now he had performed each task with unwavering support; now, as his best friend gripped the front of his robes, face only inches away from his, eyebrows furrowed and lips hovering unsurely, his faith was befuddled, unraveling with each unsteady breath. Karras' skin was flushed, heart pounding furiously as he anxiously awaited any move from Dyer. It took an eternity for his lips to move to his ear.

"Tell me again why you're here," Dyer mumbled as he straddled Karras, letting his lips brush temptingly against his ear. "Why you ran away to join the church, I mean."

"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"And not now?"

"You asked me what brought me here, not what made me stay. What about you?"

"It seemed like a good idea," he chimed, a teasing tone edging his voice as he brought his face back to Karras'. Slowly, carefully, his hands embraced either side of his face, making it only harder to breathe. The air was so thick that Karras momentarily thought he was suffocating. It was sweltering under those robes.

"Does this seem like a good idea to you?" Karras asked hoarsely.

"Hardly."

"And why do you say that?"

"Someone could walk in on us anytime."

"Then why do you insist on doing it?"

"It seemed like a good idea," he repeated once more, laughter now coloring the end of his sentence. Karras couldn't resist a small smile.

"Is that all you can say?"

"Still the same old Damien, huh?"

"Why would I be any different?" His hands hugged Dyer's back tightly, reluctant to look up at him.

"I don't know, you've been acting strangely."

"What do you mean?"

"Something's going on. You look extraordinarily detached from the rest of us during Mass."

"I'm thinking."

"About what?"

"About a lot of things."

"Name one."

He hesitated as his eyes drifted to Dyer's lips. "I can't say."

"Oh you can't, can you?"

The tension finally broke as Dyer's lips tenderly pushed into Karras' neck. The latter man stretched his head back, digging his teeth into his lower lip to keep from moaning. His feet scuffed against the floor as he tried to maintain his balance.

"The same old Damien," Dyer chuckled.

"We'd be switched if we're talking about old times."

"Then show me."

Every bit of him craved to do that, but there was a conscious block that prevented his fingers from gripping onto his best friend tightly and refusing to let go until they both felt the sweet sense of relief.

"I'm not breaking the vow," Karras asserted.

"We're not going to."

"Then don't tempt me."

"Oh, you're tempted?"

Karras shook his head. "Get off of me."

Dyer didn't put up a fight and instead slipped off of him. A heavy sigh escaped his lips. "Are you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Something's wrong."

Karras licked his lips, glancing up at the crucifix on a wall facing them. He suddenly felt very cold.

"You know you can tell me anything, Damien."

"That doesn't mean I want to."

"So there _is_ something wrong."

"I didn't say that, did I?" He smoothed out his robe as he got to his feet, unable to meet the gaze of the other priest.

"I can tell when something's the matter."

Karras exhaled loudly, letting his head drop wearily. "I don't know Joseph, some things don't seem to make much sense anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"This." He gestured his arms at the room that sheltered them, decorated with iconography glaring down at them.

"You mean your religion?"

"Yes." His throat tightened.

"What for?"

"Do these things ever have a reason?" he snorted wistfully.

"Sometimes."

He shrugged his shoulders unhappily. "I don't know."

Dyer pursed his lips and nodded respectfully. "These things happen."

"But to me? I've studied for years and years and now…"

"I understand."

"Do you?" Finally, he was staring into his eyes, heart palpitating once more.

"I help people through this every day."

"I do too, but obviously that hasn't helped me much."

Dyer placed his hand on Karras' shoulder. "Damien-"

"Don't touch me," Karras mumbled. "Not right now. I can't handle all of this right now."

"Handle me?"

"I keep thinking about the way things used to be," he admitted in a tired stream. "I can't want that life again, and yet-"

"You want it."

"I don't want to say I want it. Maybe that I'm feeling a bit nostalgic, that's all."

"Nostalgic?"

"Don't laugh about it."

"I'm not laughing. Why would I ever laugh at you?" He cupped both hands around Karras' shoulders now. "I want you to feel better, not worse."

"I don't need you to worry about me."

"Why shouldn't I?" Dyer tenderly combed his fingers through the other's hair. "You look tired. Maybe you just need a good night's sleep."

"Perhaps."

The two men stood together quietly. Outside the wind blew aggressively against the window, causing a high moaning sound to fill the tense silence. Sluggishly, Karras brought his hands to his face, rubbing his eyes before looking back up at Dyer. "Joseph, I-"

"You don't need to say anything else."

"No, I want to say it." He nodded his head. "I'll talk to you."

"Alright, what is it then?"

"I just don't understand so many things," he started. "I've gone through the Bible forwards and backwards, and things aren't connecting like they used to."

"Things like…?"

"Salvation, evolution, illness, existence. This is starting to seem like nothing more than a book of fairy tales. They sound so wonderful and enchanting when you're young, but the cracks start to form with age."

"The Lord is the Lord," Dyer answered. "He does things we don't understand and we'll never understand. We're mortal, not divine."

"I understand his intelligence is far superior to all of ours," Karras continued, "but that doesn't stop me from questioning discoveries that so clearly contradict the existence of a creator."

"Such as?"

"The mere power of the human mind. We could designate anything as God, and be able to convince ourselves as a species enough to worship and revere it. We've seen it time and time again. Everyone holds their religion so firmly and refuses to listen to anything different. Not everyone can be correct, can they?"

"No, they can't."

"So how do we know we're correct?" His words became more and more passionate. "All we have is faith, but so do they, and neither of us has any more solid evidence than the other."

"It's hard to comprehend, but you have to trust-"

"How can I trust something that I don't even know for a fact exists?"

"That's what religion is about."

"But I want answers," he said sternly. "I want a sign. I want something to happen to prove to me that there's something out there. If God really is real, he'd show me a sign, wouldn't he? He wouldn't let me stray."

"The Lord works in mysterious ways." Dyer's hands embraced Karras' face, forcing him to lock eyes with him. "Sleep is what you need right now. You need time to breathe and relax. Keep praying."

"I will," the other man replied dejectedly.

There was another heavy pause, weighing upon their shoulders with considerable force. "Damien?"

"Yes?"

At last, their lips met, sweetly and nervously. Don't do this, Karras told himself, but it only took him a few seconds to fall into it, deeper than he had feared ever since he was ordained. It was kisses like these he had been so desperate to leave behind. Certainly by now, he thought, Dyer would be over it all, and this would be a result of confusion and growing up.

"Joseph, you can't do that anymore," Karras murmured in a shaky voice.

"Nothing's going to happen. No vow was broken, see?"

"No, this is part of the reason why I..."

"Because of me?" Dyer backed away, staring at him with questioning eyes.

"This is wrong, you know it."

Dyer brushed something off of Karras' robe. "Get some sleep," he repeated. "You need it."

There was no reason to argue with him. "Get some rest yourself."

"I will. I'll pray for you, Damien."

Karras hesitated, mind whirling with hundreds of things and yet unable to focus on any one of them. "I'll pray for you as well, Joseph."

"That's more than I could ever ask of you. I'll see you tomorrow."

He was unable to say anything more, heart aching as his best friend left him. Being a priest never guaranteed sinless living or an answer to everything; he certainly, however, never signed up for this.


End file.
